The 10 Worst Places to Spend New Year’s Eve

Let’s all welcome the New Year, sponsored by Tostitos! A type of chip here, wishing you a glad New Year. New Year’s Eve, sponsored by a Bag of Chips Brand, most likely. You get my point.

Anyways, in 8th grade, I attended the Tempe Block Party (sponsored by Tostitos) for the first time, and it was a blast. I wore a shirt that had a glittery “$” on it and a tiger-striped bucket hat–I was ready for a good time, and it delivered. And this is entirely and only because I was 13 years old and didn’t know what anything was at this point in my life. First of all, Tempe was already a strange, dark land, because it’s where the Big College was, and therefore was already extremely cool and “adult.” But then it also had rides! Carnival games! Free hot chocolate! Smash Mouth was there, and everyone loved Smash Mouth! These were confusing times! I continued going on occasion, every few years, and year after year it diminished further away from what it once was. Or maybe it was always bad and I was 13. It’s probably that one. Anyways, if you still find yourself in your hometown on New Year’s Eve and think, “Hm, maybe I should check out that block party for nostalgic purposes,” do NOT do it.

This is going to be a very bad time for you. Unless you have children yourself and are actually required to take them to watch fireworks (because you have to because they are children and they deserve this little happiness while they can still appreciate it, or anything, actually), why would you do this to yourself?

Here’s the thing: Fireworks always look the same. A large light goes off in the sky and then it goes away. They’re nice and pretty, but honestly, is this really news to you at this point? Do you need to see fireworks simply because it is New Year’s Eve? Personally, that’s too regular for me. Fireworks on New Year’s? When you EXPECT there to be fireworks? Yawn. No thanks. Give me a surprise firework in the middle of March or something. Then I can be pleasantly startled and question, “Why there are fireworks happening currently?” The answer would be there wouldn’t be an answer, which is automatically more intriguing because I’m confused.

Okay, come on, man. Do I need to tell you this? At this point, it goes entirely without saying that you should not go to Times Square on New Year’s Eve. No one has done this since 1996 (don’t fact check me!!!), and anyone who has is either extremely confused or they are an alien visiting earth who didn’t do their research on what to do as a human past the year 1996. AND their only research was done by watching old episodes of MTV’s “TRL.” Who cares about that large glowing New Year’s ball? It has dropped every year and you know what? It’s not even dropping because it’s attached to a building. It is being lowered. And when it slowly reaches the bottom, suddenly it is a new year. That New Year’s ball is the most overhyped thing on planet earth. Do not go to Times Square! Last year, Mariah Carey was there and she was disoriented! You will also be disoriented and unhappy if you go to Times Square on New Year’s Eve!

Do not spend New Year’s Eve outside. This is a problem because going outside is the first step to doing actually anything at all. So here’s a tip: Don’t go anywhere. Don’t go outside. It’s cold! Do you want to spend your first few moments of the new year extremely cold, a.k.a. very uncomfortable? Of course you don’t. You deserve to begin the new year, which will probably be your best year ever–comfortable as heck. You deserve that! Don’t take that away from yourself.

Okay, what did I just say about outside? I’m not just talking to talk here; I am trying to give you advice. There are lots of races held on New Year’s Eve, from the Nos Galan road races in South Wales to the New Year’s Eve Race in Krakow, Poland. Also, there’s one called Brazen New Year’s Eve in Fremont, California. There are so many New Year’s Eve races! Okay, so now let me get this straight, not only do you want to spend your New Year’s Eve outside, but you also want to spend it running? Why?

“Because I am a healthy person and I like running and this is a unique way to spend New Ye—”

No. Stop it right there. I’m not putting up with this. Fine, run your way into the New Year. We’re not friends anymore, you and me.

If you go to the Stratosphere, you will be watching everyone in Las Vegas have a better time than you from up high in the air in a fake Space Needle.

Why would you do this? Why would you go here for New Years? Have you been here before? Do you know what this is? This is a dam. It’s not a party! Get out of here in your New Year’s dress! This isn’t the place for that!

Tokyo is a great city, but spending New Year’s there sounds exhausting. The celebrations begin on December 29 (!!!) and some don’t stop until January 4 (!!!). This is far too long to celebrate anything. Plus, most of the major tourist sites are closed and the streets (as well as pretty much everywhere else) are jam-packed with too many people, so getting anywhere and doing anything is guaranteed to be extremely difficult. Exhausting and difficult? No.

DO NOT GO TO ANYTHING CALLED A “SINGLE’S PARTY” ON NEW YEAR’S EVE.

Actually, don’t do this on a regular day, either.

Do not spend New Year’s on a boat. You need to spend New Year’s on land because that’s eventually where you’ll need to go back to live, and boats are essentially traps keeping you from doing that. And especially do not spend New Year’s Eve on a boat on a lake. As I’ve stated before, lakes are stupid, small seas. Lakes are also usually located in the woods, and the woods is also not an ideal place to spend New Year’s. I mean, I am all about a quiet New Year’s Eve, but the woods? They are too quiet. It’s best you find a happy medium. For me.